RIP Rodney Dangerfield

[Tach Deneva]

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Rodney Dangerfield, the goggle-eyed comic famed for
his self-deprecating one-liners and signature phrase "I can't get no
respect," died on Tuesday at age 82, his publicist said. Dangerfield, who
became a pop culture sensation with a string of broad film comedies starting
with "Caddyshack" in 1980, died at 1:20 p.m. PDT (4:20 p.m. EDT) at the UCLA
Medical Center, where he had undergone heart valve replacement surgery in
August, spokesman Kevin Sasaki said in a statement.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a
custody fight over me ... and no one showed up.

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play
with.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my
calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put
the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an
eye on it.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in
the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the
air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -
three of those times I was reading it.

The other day I went to the dentist. I said, doc, my teeth are yellow. He said
wear a brown tie.

My wife likes to talk while having sex. The other night she called me from a
motel.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd
like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

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TD